While watching general conference this session I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. I hung and clung to every word. The past two weeks my soul has been hungry. So hungry! I am not talking about not being satisfied or unfulfilled but rather I am just hungry! I want to learn more!
For a few weeks I have been yearning to know more. I have always had an interest in the gospel, I have always hungered after more knowledge but I feel a real yearning right now to dive into the scriptures each night and read as much as time allows. I want to know more about Christ character. More about his teachings. More about the purpose of this life and the details of the eternities.
I am not perfect, ha, not even close. I loved the quote given today by Neilson Mandella "I am not a Saint unless you consider a saint a sinner who keeps trying." Something like that. That is definitely me. I'm not going to specify my imperfections. No way, they are plenty, but I just want to make it clear that a person can love the gospel without being perfect. A broken person can love this gospel.
It reminds me of the woman who washed Jesus's feet with her tears. In referring to her Christ told his disciples that he who is forgiven of much, loveth much. The gospel is for the broken not the whole. He who is well doesn't need a doctor but he who is sick. Those of us who know our imperfections and know that we really need to gospel, love it.
Every conference I write down my questions a week or so before the sessions start. Without fail my questions are always answered! Always! And I am surprised about how clearly they are answered. Almost as if the whole conference was meant exactly for me. Some of my questions are so odd and specific to me that you would think they would not be answered but they are!!!
It is like an Easter egg hunt! (Since this morning is Easter and all) I try to find the morsels of information that are specific to me in my life. Not only do I get the questions answered that I write down but I also get questions answered that I didn't know I had. But when I hear it I realize it is exactly what I needed!
Every time I try to share my feelings of the Savior I get a little lost for words. Here is the most important thing too me and I can't seem to express it. His life and sacrifice is most important because it encompasses so many other things. It means I get to live with my children again, it means this life isn't just a jumble of random experiences, it means forever and eternal growth and progression. It means that I, an imperfect mom, a person stuck in every day tasks, attitudes and thoughts, will be able to break out of that. That one day I will see people as they are and that one day I will be known as I am. The resurrection of the Savior changed everything for mankind! That father and child, brother and sister, husband and wife, mother and baby will be reunited. We will all live again and live in a state where there is perfect love. That death, our greatest and most sure foe will have no victory. That we will continue in an eternal state. It means there is hope, it means that the deepest sorrow, the greatest hurt can not only be overcome but add to us.
I have loved reading the New Testament again. I feel like I have found small significant insights into who the Savior was. His love, his patience, his sorrow and even his humor. I can't claim to exactly envision him or his life but I have surely seen him in mine. There is a force and a presence that is always there and has been there in my times of greatest sorrow. I feel him and know him not because I am a scriptorian, not because I am a saint but because I am a sinner. I have been pulled from the deep tides of life by someone other than myself. I have surfaced these deep oceans because I have been pulled. I have seen a light in people that I recognize that is more than just them. Because he lives I feel his influence. Because he lives I taste the sweetness. Because he lives I hope and I try and I press forward. It is more than just a feeling, it is thousands of experiences, thousands of crys for help, thousands of pleas for patience and thousands of sorrows wrapped into one. I know he lives because I feel him and I feel his love. It all comes down to charity. It all comes down to "love" which is a narrow word with an expansive meaning.
Well some how I managed to once again say nothing and everything at the same time. Ha ha, It makes sense in my own head but thoughts, emotions and memories don't always compact nicely into a few words.
Simply put what I want to say is that "He Lives!" I have seen him in my life! So clearly so incredibly!
