An open letter to the mom of twins at the grocery store.

To the mom with baby twins at the store:

I see you in the store. Tired. Fighting hard to get a cart with a double seat because you know it is your only chance to shop if you get it. Most people don't think about those double seats.

I know what you are thinking.

You see the mom with one child and you think how easy it looks. She smiles. She has time to laugh, play with her munchkin, enjoy shopping and even price match.

You feel like you are in a constant tangle with little hands and you do it on half empty, with your head slightly buzzed from lack of sleep.

I see you.

I know you don't see me. You are afraid to make eye contact. You don't want to be judged. Or you may not want to hear one more person say "It looks like you got your hands full." or "Are they identical?" That would slow your shopping trip and your children will only last a moment before one poops, one cries, one screams or all of the above or even all of the above times two.

To you I look like just another gawker. Someone adoring your sweet, little, messy faced twins. But I am only remembering my own. I won't stop you, I won't talk to you, I am just thinking...

Good job mom.

Imaginary fist bump from one twin mom to another.

You did it today.

They are breathing, you are breathing. Good job

You were never meant to be perfect. In fact, it is just the opposite. We are meant to be flawed, but to show them how to be flawed and still function and move forward day after day.

Good job mom. You are a champion. It is hard, and the only other people who understand how hard are other twin moms who have fought the same battle.

It does get easier I promise. It is hard to see now. You feel like you should be grateful for these days but they are so tiring that you can't even enjoy them most of the time and you feel guilty about that too. Its okay.

They do become friends. You get to sit outside their door at night and listen to them talk when they don't know you are listening. You see them defend each other on the playground. You'll see them hurt inside when the other one is hurt, its sad but also strangely magical.

Right now you feel guilty because you can't give either one of them "all of you". You feel like they are getting cheated out of having all-the-attention of their mom when as babies that should be their right, but they have to share you.

That is true.

But there is also something else- They get something precious instead.

Even when you are gone they will have each other. The relationship that bonds them in infancy is unique, lasting and protective. It expands and continues into something incredible. It's their relationship as a twin. Their love for each other will last even past you.

Their little battles that they face every day, the fighting over the same toys, for example. It is tiring, but the truth is they learn negotiation and relationship skills as infant twins that most people don't learn in an entire life time. It takes most of us several years of marriage to learn skills that a twin masters while they are young.

Their relationship-crash-course is intense. It is hard on the mom and sometimes hard on them but the rewards are incredible, real and long lasting. They learn to love, to share, and to be apart of a unit instead of just existing from the very beginning. As humans we thrive when we are apart of something bigger then ourselves. Twins are that from the day they are born. More than just themselves.

Good job mom.

You are making it.

One foot in front of the other. You can do it!

One day you to will be pushing an empty cart, in a grocery store while watching a mom of twins. Your double seats will be empty while not fighting what seems like a sea of hands that grab unwanted items or provide endless distraction.

You won't be judgmental, because somehow twin motherhood seems to drag all that out of you, you will instead watch with wonder.

You will think...

 "Wow! Did I really do that? How in the world did I make it?"

"That mom. She is doing awesome. Good job mom. You're making it!"

"Imaginary fist bump. From one twin mom to another."

40 Years Old- 40 families, $40,000 and some...

40 years old- Serving 40 families and raising $40,000!

Since I have started doing "birthday acts of service" my anticipation of my birthday has completely changed. Before I started doing this I had stopped celebrating my birthday, all except for running my birthday years in miles- which I really looked forward to each year.

Once I hit 38 however, and had a severe running injury and couldn't run my birthday years (and those miles were getting pretty high anyway) I found that I dreaded the approach of my birthday until decided to do "acts of service" instead. (See the first post here it was awesome)

They had to be acts that I would do outside of my normal routine. As a mother of young children, or just a mom in general, your day is service from the moment you wake until you go to sleep. I wanted to look a little deeper however, into the needs of those around me and serve more. I think the thing that surprised me, and continues to surprise me the most about doing this is that Heavenly Father wants to bless me in my efforts to serve others. He definitely puts people in my path and is willing to funnel the opportunities my way. It makes me wonder if he is always willing to do this and I am oblivious to it or if this is a special birthday present he is giving to me, I don't know.

I also know that in publishing my good works on the house tops (via the blog-o-sphere on the internet or whatever) I am voiding my blessings in the heavens perhaps, but I have felt that it is okay to share these posts. I do not normally share my good works and consider them sacred but I have felt validated to share most of my experiences with this here and so I will share those that I feel comfortable sharing which are not all of them.

Since 40 is a special year I decided to do things a little differently. I made two major goals and I started several months in advance. Instead of just "acts of service" I wanted to:

• Raise $40,000 for a cause
• Help 40 families

First, I wasn't sure how to raise the money or what to raise it for. After I made the goal I thought "Why in the world did I make that goal?" I immediately felt the weight of it and I wanted to back out. Despite my fear I decided to look up causes, grants and fundraisers. I wasn't sure if it was possible but I thought if it was possible for me to do it somehow then the Lord would provide. 

As I was researching, I was approached by a city council member who asked if I would help write a grant for our city which was to go towards preventing Chronic Disease in the community. My mouth started to water. It was right up my alley. The grant writing and process could not have been more crafted toward my talents and skills. Many women read fashion or pop magazines for fun. For me reading about public health and epidemiology or how disease affects populations is fun. Writing a grant for something like this was what I considered diverting. 

I got to work and studied the models they required. I did some research and wrote the grant. In writing the grant at one point, actually at the end, I had a very spiritual experience that I will not share here but I believe it changed the course of our grant and actually made it so that we were one of the 4 cities awarded the grant. In the end, the grant was awarded and the city was awarded a quarter million dollars which far exceeded my goal of $40,000. I owe 100% of its success to the Lord. 

The facts that first, I was looking for the opportunity. Second, the city council member knew to ask me. Third, I had a clear spiritual experience in the process and last we received the grant, are all are big indicators to me that the Lord had a strong hand in every part of this. I was grateful to be basically the "little guy" who was part of the orchestra of factors at work. 

The next goal, the 40 families. Again I started to look for opportunities in advance. This was much different than doing "small acts" like I had done in the past. To help entire families became daunting and I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

Even if I were to give each family a measly $10 it would have ended up to be $400 by the end, something we cannot afford to do at this time. Needless to say I had to be creative.

I prayed about what to do and found Tuckers Totes. This is a wonderful organization, which you should look up on facebook. It is founded by the parents of a little boy who died in a tragic accident. The parents were at his beside at the hospital for several days not wanting to leave. Because of this they went without several basic necessities. In his name they now donate kits that are similar to hygiene kits; complete with double toothbrushes, hairbrushes, treats, games, soap etc. They donate these kits to primary children's hospital to give to families who are in similar circumstances. I recruited the young women's organization in my ward to help me assemble these but because of delays in timing we did not make the deadline for my birthday. We will assemble these in October. So those are yet to come and the activity is planned. I did not count these towards my 40 families.

Other opportunities began to flow, people asking for help with projects, families in need, baby sitting opportunities, meals to take to families, people in need that didn't having housing who stayed with us, they all seemed to come. It is amazing to me. It is like the Lord, again, funnels them my way. Normally in my sleepy state of living I would not recognize these awesome opportunities but I jumped on the chances that I received.  

Sitting down a couple of nights before my birthday, however, I listed all the families that I had helped in the past few weeks and I was still several families short. I wasn't sure what to do but I had a very clear impression that the Lord would provide. The morning of my birthday I was still short several families and went in to talk to my mother-in-law. She mentioned that she had several names for sealings that she needed done at the temple. They were 3 cards over the number of families I needed. I figured that was my answer. 

Jared and I went to the temple that night and unfortunately on the way Jared realized he forgot his clothes. Payson temple doesn't have a laundry service and they don't rent out clothes. I felt a little heart sick. Here I had this goal and I was so close but we were almost there and the temple would close before we could return and do the full names. I decided we would do initiatories (which would not give us enough) and I would hand in the names and ask that they give them to someone else to do. As I gave the cards to the woman in the temple at the recorders office she looked at me strangely. She wondered why we didn't just do them ourselves our next visit. I told her I wanted them done today and told her about my birthday wish of helping 40 families and how handing these in would fulfill that wish. 

She went behind the counter and grabbed a card that she gave to Jared so that he could get some clothes downstairs. 

Aha! A super secret special card! Who would have thought! 

He was able to get some "super secret special" clothes that they only lend out on special occasions and we were miraculously (in my book anyway) able to do the sealings! The Lord would provide!

I had not looked at the names that my Mother-in-law had given to us but some of the women were names where I had done the baptism, confirmation, and endowments and here I was finishing with the sealings and even sealing them to children! It was awesome!

At the end of the day I read special birthday wishes, comments and thoughts from people on facebook; many of which I still haven't been able to respond to yet. I laid down for the night and thought "If I die tomorrow, I've lived a life worth a thousand good lifetimes. I feel loved. I'm loved by friends, loved by family, loved by the Lord and even loved by people on the other side."

I was happy not to spend my day at fancy restaurants (even though I did go to lunch with my sisters at Olive Garden, which was awesome) or even with fancy gifts.

It is a strange paradox- When giving you HAVE everything. How is that possible? There is some law of the universe or should I say of heaven that seems to make this true. The more you give the more you receive.

Again ending with the same scripture in which I always end these birthday posts... 

Matthew 10:39 

He that findeth his life shall lose it; 

and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.