The Loss of a Father
My dad's diagnosis with cancer was an unexpected turn in our lives. I was sure that I had the faith that he could be healed. I did not realize, however, at that point that it would be my soul that would need the most healing in the months to follow.
My dad underwent treatments and surgeries and after several months his newer scans miraculously showed no cancer. We were so grateful and celebrated. A month later, however, another scan showed very different results and a month after that he was gone. In the days following my dads death I felt a spectrum of emotions. Unfortunately, and this is difficult to admit, one emotion that I felt was betrayal. I felt I knew the gospel well. I felt like I had enough faith that he could have been healed but I felt like my prayer was met with silence. I understood that I am not supposed to counsel the Lord, I understood that I was supposed to ask for his will but it was not about those things it was more about me feeling like I had been neglected at a difficult time when I prayed. I didn't mean to feel this way, I believe it was a natural process of my mourning but it left me unsure about my relationship with the Lord and again the only word I know to describe how I felt was "betrayed" and in this unfortunately I felt justified.
I wrestled with these feelings for months. I still read my scriptures, I still prayed, I still attended my meetings but I had a deep hurt and ache in my heart. I had not only lost an earthly father, friend and hero but I had become distanced from my Father in Heaven.
Mary's Loss
I felt a lot like Mary of Bethany the woman in the scriptures that we know as being the sister to Martha and Lazarus. We believe it was this same Mary who sat at the feet of the Savior listening intently and choosing the greater part while her sister toiled in the kitchen with the meal. Mary knew the importance of the Savior and chose "listening to him" and savoring every moment he was there over cultural and societal pressures. This same Mary later experienced a similar heartache to mine the loss of a loved one.
Mary and Martha sent messengers to the Savior after Lazarus became very sick. The Savior delayed his coming to heal Lazarus and Lazarus died before Jesus came. When the Savior came to the city, Martha ran out to meet him but Mary "stayed still in the house" and did not come out like Martha. We aren't sure why she stayed in the house but I can't help but wonder if she had similar feelings to what I had when I lost my dad. It would have been so easy for him to heal lazurus. He had already done it hundreds of times to others why did he not come when they had asked. When the Savior called to Mary she did come out quickly and met him and overcome with emotion she said "Lord if thou hadst been here my brother had not died". Mary was not only dealing with the loss of her brother but also wrestling other feelings wondering why the Savior didn't come when he did. Whether it was justified or not that is how she felt. I felt neglected as well. It didn't make sense when I tried to explain it to myself or to others but I still felt it.
I can't compare myself to this great woman but I did take courage knowing that she, knowing the Savior, felt a little hurt by his delay and by the slow response. It is amazing to note that she had so much pain and agony that upon seeing it the Savior himself began to cry. It is one of the few places in the scriptures where we are told that the Savior "wept". We know that the Savior did delay his coming on purpose because of the miracle that was about to occur.
One day while wrestling with this emotion and wanting it gone I read a passage of scripture that would suddenly shift my attitude and thoughts. It is a passage where the Savior invites a man to follow him which was not an easy task but a great honor. The man said "Let me bury my father first." Jesus turns to his disciples after and tells them that this man is not fit for the kingdom. This hit me hard. It was another treasure in the scriptures that I felt was planted hundreds of years ago for me to find right at that time. Within these same versus the Savior also invites someone else to come follow him who basically says "wait I have a new wife let me go take care of her." Both of these reasons (burying a father and nurturing a new wife) are very good reasons. Very important things, but as important as something is, as holy and grand, as service oriented and good as it is; if we let it come between us and following the Savior
we are not fit for the Kingdom. This is a great contrast to the apostles who dropped their fishing nets, left their father in a boat, and left their professions (publicans and fisherman alike) straightaway when the Savior asked "Follow me".
For some reason this scripture gave me a gentle rebuke that I needed. It helped me release this feeling that I was holding on to which was also holding me back spiritually. That as justified as I felt in feeling sorrow for the loss of my earthly father I was not fit for the Kingdom of my Heavenly Father if I let those feelings stand between me and him. With the image in my mind of the Savior bidding this man, who wanted to bury his father instead of follow him, I was able to let go of these thoughts and move on as a disciple of Christ.
The Loss of a Brother
Not too long after this experience another family member, a dear brother who took the place of my father in my life died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was someone who I patterned my life after. Instead of holding a grudge against the Lord this time I embraced him. It wasn't easier by any means emotionally or physically but I was able to perceive things differently spiritually than I was before and the spirit was there in my suffering.
Loss of expectations
I had a dear friend who was in her 30's and not married. By this time she had imagined herself happily married with a family. She had a different type of loss than I had known. Her loss was the loss of expectations. Her life had not turned out as she had dreamed, hoped and prayed that it would. As she shared her heartache with me and how she felt a little wronged by the Lord I said a prayer in my heart to know what to say and how to respond. This experience flooded into my mind. At first I didn't know how it related it but as I shared I realized she was going through similar feelings. She felt a little betrayed. She had a holy, important desire that had gone unfulfilled. It was good thing but it was now standing between her and her relationship with the Lord. As I shared these thoughts with her she made a life altering decision that would change her life for the better. Another testament that when the spirit speaks and tells you to share something even if it doesn't make sense to you, you do it.
I think back to the scene of Mary. The dear friend of the Savior who stayed "still" in her home when the Savior finally arrived after Lazarus's death. She did not actively revile or rebuke him but she did not draw herself to him until he called. When he called she went out quickly. She then witnessed a great miracle of her brother being raised from the dead. How she must have felt when she realized how significant this scene was. Her doubts were addressed and she might have now perceived death a bit differently. If she would have stayed in the house think of what she would have missed. If we stay in our expectations and let be a valley between us and the Father what then will we miss?
Mary Anoints Jesus for his death and burial
This same Mary who thought that death was such a hard ship would soon anoint the Savior's head and feet in preparation for his burial with an oil that costed 300 days of labor. She would be known for that act throughout time. This is the second time that we hear of the Savior being washed with oil by a woman. These are two separate incidents and Mary anointed the Savior here in preparation for the days and his death that would come. This shows the true nature of Mary's sensitivity to the spirit. More significantly is that by this act she understood the Lords death was coming before many of the apostles who still didn't understand what was going to happen or didn't understand fully this part of his mission. Judas even rebuked her saying that she should have sold the oil to feed the poor but the Savior defended her by basically saying "Leave her alone, she has wrought a good work upon me. She does this in preparation for my burial. The poor you always have with you, you will not always have me."
This same Mary who once sat still in her home, overcome with emotion when the Savior came, now possibly understood that death is not a permanent separation. The only separation that we should truly worry about is the one that we place between us and the Lord which has eternal consequences. Mary had a test that came with the death of her brother that may have prepared her for understanding the scenes leading up to the Saviors death. We sometimes have tests that help to push our vision past this mortal realm into the great majesties of the the eternities.
Let us not stay still in our house or let any good or nongood thing stand between us and the Savior
