A 75 year long Harvard study followed 268 Harvard men over 75 years to determine what exactly made them happy and successful later in life.
This study, called the Grant study, found something very interesting and it had to do with mothers.
It concluded:
"The warmth of childhood relationship with mothers matters long into adulthood:
- Men who had “warm” childhood relationships with their mothers earned an average of $87,000 more a year than men whose mothers were uncaring.
- Men who had poor childhood relationships with their mothers were much more likely to develop dementia when old.
- Late in their professional lives, the men’s boyhood relationships with their mothers—but not with their fathers—were associated with effectiveness at work."
As mothers we think we have to be perfect. We think that everything we do will affect our children.
We think we have to have a perfect house, a perfect temper, perfect clothes, perfect domestic abilities, a perfect education and perfectly folded clothes.
Well put down the unfolded laundry ladies...because the truth is that we don't have to be perfect at really...anything.
(***Huge sigh of relief)
In fact, sometimes our lack of perfection, but continuation of imperfection while still functioning, proves more to our children than perfection does.
While we could argue the validity of the Grant study and its application to all families the one thing we cannot dispute is the true power behind the "warmth of a mothers love" and its impact on children. This is because this truth is deeply interwoven within us. The Harvard Grant study isn't the only reliable source that declares the power of a Mother's love! My heart declares this and I believe yours does too.
Our mom hearts deep inside us know that we were made to nurture and to love our children. It is a biological, emotional, spiritual need that we have. Not only does it make a difference to their "now" but it will continue to influence them way into adulthood.
We think we have to have a perfect house, a perfect temper, perfect clothes, perfect domestic abilities, a perfect education and perfectly folded clothes.
Well put down the unfolded laundry ladies...because the truth is that we don't have to be perfect at really...anything.
(***Huge sigh of relief)
In fact, sometimes our lack of perfection, but continuation of imperfection while still functioning, proves more to our children than perfection does.
While we could argue the validity of the Grant study and its application to all families the one thing we cannot dispute is the true power behind the "warmth of a mothers love" and its impact on children. This is because this truth is deeply interwoven within us. The Harvard Grant study isn't the only reliable source that declares the power of a Mother's love! My heart declares this and I believe yours does too.
Our mom hearts deep inside us know that we were made to nurture and to love our children. It is a biological, emotional, spiritual need that we have. Not only does it make a difference to their "now" but it will continue to influence them way into adulthood.
So forget about the constant stress of being perfect but do heed this terrible warning. The one thing that we can do to interfere with this glorious task of "loving our children" that we have is to disconnect from them. Psychologically, emotionally or even spiritually. Unfortunately, as moms we are facing this temptation to disconnect more than ever before. I only speak not as someone who is condemning others but as someone who has fallen victim to this flaw. I myself have looked up from my device and realized what I have done and felt the sorrow at the time that I have lost.
This tool of Satan is very real. It is the most subtle yet effective weapon he has against us mothers. It will leave us with bitter regret and can leave our children disconnected from us in their time of greatest need.
How can we work to over come this? We watch for the important crossroads of connection and make those crossroads into habits to connect with them, without distraction without strings attached. We connect with them each day. "Connect at the crossroads"
This tool of Satan is very real. It is the most subtle yet effective weapon he has against us mothers. It will leave us with bitter regret and can leave our children disconnected from us in their time of greatest need.
How can we work to over come this? We watch for the important crossroads of connection and make those crossroads into habits to connect with them, without distraction without strings attached. We connect with them each day. "Connect at the crossroads"
This may seem mechanical but for us who have spanned the nontechnical and technical age of motherhood --meaning we have raised kids both in and out of social media WE NEED THIS!!!
I HAVE SEEN THE DIFFERENCE. With my oldest children there was not social media. No temptation to disconnect. There was just them. I didn't wake up and check my phone. I rushed in and held my babies.
I didn't look at my phone at breakfast or when they were at the playground. There was no temptation it was just me and them. Now there is always a silent intruder. It is here to stay. A silent crowd knocking at my door, pleading for my attention. Distracting, calling, bidding.
I could get off of social media altogether but the world has turned and I have turned with it. I am evolving. So now I need to show this silent intruder that he/she has a place. I am still in charge. They have to wait while I connect with my children. My children have priority.
So again there are precious cross roads each day where we can connect with our children and enhance "this warmth" that is refereed to in the study above. We can arrange special moments each day if we desire, because more is better but the most important thing is to connect consistently on a regular basis and make it habitual. Our children need to feel secure and loved. It is so important that our phones and electronics are put away at specific times and that we are in tune.
Connect at the Crossroads
I HAVE SEEN THE DIFFERENCE. With my oldest children there was not social media. No temptation to disconnect. There was just them. I didn't wake up and check my phone. I rushed in and held my babies.
I didn't look at my phone at breakfast or when they were at the playground. There was no temptation it was just me and them. Now there is always a silent intruder. It is here to stay. A silent crowd knocking at my door, pleading for my attention. Distracting, calling, bidding.
I could get off of social media altogether but the world has turned and I have turned with it. I am evolving. So now I need to show this silent intruder that he/she has a place. I am still in charge. They have to wait while I connect with my children. My children have priority.
So again there are precious cross roads each day where we can connect with our children and enhance "this warmth" that is refereed to in the study above. We can arrange special moments each day if we desire, because more is better but the most important thing is to connect consistently on a regular basis and make it habitual. Our children need to feel secure and loved. It is so important that our phones and electronics are put away at specific times and that we are in tune.
Connect at the Crossroads
Connect when they wake up-
Tenderly love your children as they meet the day. Do they wake up grumpy? Teach them that you are there with a smile. Even if you have to crack the whip a few minutes later to get them going at least initially connect and show them love those first few moments that they see you. Keep your device away. Touch their arm, squeeze their shoulder, rub their back, give them a kiss on their for head, make them breakfast. Whatever you do as a family. Put the device away. Ask them about what their day will entail. Make it all about them.
Tenderly love your children as they meet the day. Do they wake up grumpy? Teach them that you are there with a smile. Even if you have to crack the whip a few minutes later to get them going at least initially connect and show them love those first few moments that they see you. Keep your device away. Touch their arm, squeeze their shoulder, rub their back, give them a kiss on their for head, make them breakfast. Whatever you do as a family. Put the device away. Ask them about what their day will entail. Make it all about them.
Connect when they come home from school-
Kids and even teenagers are often chatty right when they get home from school. The ride home from school is the best time to talk to them but right when they walk in the door is a good time as well. Put the computer away. I know that many people work and are not there but if you have the opportunity to be there to greet them. Ask them about their day. Retrieve their back pack, give them a snack. See what they have been up to. Let them have a moment to go to the bathroom. Be a safe place for them to land.
Kids and even teenagers are often chatty right when they get home from school. The ride home from school is the best time to talk to them but right when they walk in the door is a good time as well. Put the computer away. I know that many people work and are not there but if you have the opportunity to be there to greet them. Ask them about their day. Retrieve their back pack, give them a snack. See what they have been up to. Let them have a moment to go to the bathroom. Be a safe place for them to land.
Connect at Dinner (or other meals)
There are many studies that talk about the power of family meals. From the protective power against drug use to good grades family meals together can grant it all. Make family meals a priority. If your kids are old enough to have devices of their own have them put their phones away and connect with you as well. Make the meal as yummy as you can so that it is something that they look forward to. Keep it positive try to reserve it for good conversation. Work out problems another time. Again try to take a chance to squeeze each child on the arm lovingly. Touch is a powerful parental reassurance. Hug your children often and look them in the eye. Make them remember who they are and who they are meant to become.
There are many studies that talk about the power of family meals. From the protective power against drug use to good grades family meals together can grant it all. Make family meals a priority. If your kids are old enough to have devices of their own have them put their phones away and connect with you as well. Make the meal as yummy as you can so that it is something that they look forward to. Keep it positive try to reserve it for good conversation. Work out problems another time. Again try to take a chance to squeeze each child on the arm lovingly. Touch is a powerful parental reassurance. Hug your children often and look them in the eye. Make them remember who they are and who they are meant to become.
Connect bedtime
As a mom for me this is always the hardest time to connect. I am always extremely tired. What started out as reading books to each child, then bed time stories, then songs to each child is now only time with each child in the form of a hug and a kiss and a tap on the nose with a tuck in and an "I love you". I try to take time to talk to the older ones a little longer because this is the time when they are the most chatty (see the point below). But our bedtime routines seem to fluctuate a little depending on the needs of the children and my needs. I know they look forward very much to this time with me so I try not to miss it no matter how tired and grumpy I feel.
As a mom for me this is always the hardest time to connect. I am always extremely tired. What started out as reading books to each child, then bed time stories, then songs to each child is now only time with each child in the form of a hug and a kiss and a tap on the nose with a tuck in and an "I love you". I try to take time to talk to the older ones a little longer because this is the time when they are the most chatty (see the point below). But our bedtime routines seem to fluctuate a little depending on the needs of the children and my needs. I know they look forward very much to this time with me so I try not to miss it no matter how tired and grumpy I feel.
Connect in times of need (Or when our children are chatty)
There are times when I notice my children look sad or just need to talk. I try to listen to them at these times. There is a quote that says listen to your children when they tell you about the little things so that when they grow older they will tell you about the big things because to them the little things were always the big things. I have a son who wants to tell me every little thing that happens in class. He is always so excited about it too. I find I am tempted to tune out and multitask in my brain as he does this but I remember this quote and try to find the excitement in his stories that he finds. I also try to tune into the feelings of my kids when they seem to carry around a burden. Some are better at hiding it than others so I have to really watch for it. I have even felt the spirit prompt me a few times to ask my kids about what is going on and so I have to also connect in that way.
I dislike sharing links since you lose control over where they lead and the ads shared on the future page but I watched this clip from this woman who is a child psychologist and it was very impactful to me. Almost life changing.
If you have about three minutes watch it please. I shared another link below to her book. The title is deceitful. It really is not about working mom's but about distracted moms. You won't regret it.
http://insider.foxnews.com/2017/04/12/new-moms-should-stay-home-work-children-3-years-being-there-book-says
There are times when I notice my children look sad or just need to talk. I try to listen to them at these times. There is a quote that says listen to your children when they tell you about the little things so that when they grow older they will tell you about the big things because to them the little things were always the big things. I have a son who wants to tell me every little thing that happens in class. He is always so excited about it too. I find I am tempted to tune out and multitask in my brain as he does this but I remember this quote and try to find the excitement in his stories that he finds. I also try to tune into the feelings of my kids when they seem to carry around a burden. Some are better at hiding it than others so I have to really watch for it. I have even felt the spirit prompt me a few times to ask my kids about what is going on and so I have to also connect in that way.
I dislike sharing links since you lose control over where they lead and the ads shared on the future page but I watched this clip from this woman who is a child psychologist and it was very impactful to me. Almost life changing.
If you have about three minutes watch it please. I shared another link below to her book. The title is deceitful. It really is not about working mom's but about distracted moms. You won't regret it.
http://insider.foxnews.com/2017/04/12/new-moms-should-stay-home-work-children-3-years-being-there-book-says
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