Why I'm Not an Atheist

When I was about 22 years old I went on a river rafting trip with some friends. To make a long story short, I made a bad decision that jeopardized my safety and life. I ended up pinned underneath the water of a raging river against a boulder that was larger than a car.

As I struggled to move against the hundreds of oncoming pounds of pressure that had me pinned underwater I thought that my life was over. But something extraordinary happened. It wasn't, of course, until much later that I realized how extraordinary this was but though I was struggling physically my thoughts were somewhat tranquil. I had just returned home from an LDS mission and I had lived my life the best that I could and according to the gospel and principles that I had been taught. My exact thoughts were "I have lived a good life." I was at peace with my Maker. I didn't end up dying that day but I have often reflected on those feelings that I felt as I helplessly faced a deadly situation. Since then I have had days, like after yelling at my kids for example, where I have thought "Please don't take me today Lord, I would not be ready." But I know that at some point I may face this moment again where I may have seconds, hours or months to ponder my life and death. I know without a doubt that at that moment my thoughts will be pointed to a divine Creator and a reckoning.

I have also had other times, like the other day when I saw someone who I thought was crushed by a heavy piece of equipment and my first gut reaction was to pray and plead to Heavenly Father to spare him. I didn't think about it, it was impulsive. In the end this person was okay, soft mud had saved him from being crushed but my first reaction, which was to cry out in prayer, made me realize it was something I did instinctively. I know that at the end of my life, if I do have time to think, I will think of God. I will possibly ponder my past and family as I did years ago and turn my face towards heaven.

There are many reasons why I am not an atheist. I have hundreds of occasions where my prayers have been powerfully answered or where there was an influence outside of the realm of my physical body which impacted my situation. I have been moved and moved upon by something more than myself. I have seen tender mercies during hard trials. I have also felt familiar stirrings in my soul of something greater than me. A love so powerful that it did not stem from my own limited understanding. To explain even a few of these experiences would take too long and to be honest these are the main reasons why I am not an atheist. But for the purpose of this post I will talk about one that is less important to my journey and it is the one at the end of my journey.

I LOVE science and I could try to live without God in my life. But I could not believe that science held all of the answers since sound science itself teaches us that we are not even specks, that live on a speck who are trying to use understanding from past specks to deciphers the great happenings of the universe around us. Every tiny bit of science that we have is in it infantry. The most renowned of scientists admit that we haven't even scratched the surface of what is out there. So even if I did for some reason believe that science held all the answers and I tried to live my life without God I know I could not live without him in my death or in those moments before it. In those last moments I know that even if I l distanced myself from him my entire life that he would be there in thoughts at my death. From past experience I know it is instinctive and part of who I am to do this.

Most atheists still have a moral system that they live by. They still try to be true to themselves. If this is true and I tried to live my life without God but I called to him in my final moments, like I know I instinctively shall than I would not be true to myself. Instead I choose to believe in an all knowing and all loving God each day. Whose work and glory includes an interest in little old me. A God who created the heavens and the earth using a science that I am yet to understand from my narrow mortal view. 

So in short, I believe that the part of the purpose of life is to become like him and love others as he loves me. To learn the true meaning of charity and Joy through my interactions with those around me particularly those in my family. No. I could not be an atheist. Mostly because I choose not to as a result of a lifetime of experiences and interactions that have taught me otherwise but also to be true to myself, For me being true to myself,means being true to my creator in life and in death. 

"Feeling our way" vs "clinging to the rod"

Feel vs Cling
I found it interesting in recent scripture study when reading Lehi's vision of the tree of life how there are two main groups of people. Those who "cling" to the rod which is the Word of God and those who "feel" their way towards the great and spacious building.

I couldn't help but ponder on the different meanings of those two words and their significance in recent events and how they pertain to me personally especially when trying to decided my own stance on legalization of same-sex marriage. I knew the Lord's stance. I knew the leaders were clear but I felt compassion and I was uncertain what to do.

This is something that took some time for me. I love people. I care especially about rights, those who are under served and my family taught me to be accepting. I also had unique professional perspectives. After much thought, study and prayer, however, my decision was final. Redefining the definition of marriage was out of the question. I stood with the Lord and his doctrine. This was a part of the word of God that I especially needed to cling to. The debate can be vast on both sides but my heart is with the word of God.

After making my decision I read the difference in the scriptures about "feeling your way" towards the building or "clinging" to the rod in order to make it to the tree. I reflected on my feelings they had changed and shifted during the debate as I considered the different aspects and consequences but the word of God didn't change. It stayed steady. The scriptures also say "press forward clinging to the word of God" several times as if against something, not step forward, not walk forward but press forward. In this case it is against the opinion of the few that would call me closed minded or intolerant. Emotions and feelings are definitely something that we need to consider but when trying to interpret the hundreds of angles involved in the debate of this generational changing legislation it comes back to clinging to the rod, the word of God and the direction given by the prophets in ancient times and the latter days.

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When the supreme court decision was passed and I saw the white house, other land marks and my news feeds light up in rainbow colors I felt a range of emotions but the to greatest were fear and sadness. The scriptures were clear. The time has come, according to the proclamation of the family all of the calamities foretold are coming. I don't want to sound doomsdayish but it is what our leaders, prophets and scriptures have been saying for the last few years. In that moment, it all sunk in.

Then I found a scripture in John 16:20-23 where Christ is talking to his disciples about his own death, crucifixion and resurrection and it also has reference the scenes before his second coming. He says "Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice; and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy" True to the scripture and foretelling of the Savior, the world was definitely rejoicing while I sorrowed.

The signs of the last days are scary but the signs themselves are also tender mercies because we will understand that these things are all part of the plan. Just as a woman has signs of labor (Christ uses this example right after the above scripture) we have the signs of his coming. Just as she knows she is in for a lot of pain, we will know that the days to follow are going to be hard. But just as her sorrow is turned into joy, our sorrow will turn into joy as we see great things come to pass and the work that we have been looking forward to will all be fulfilled.

An African Blessing and Heavenly Father's Love

When I was young I was lucky to have a father worthy to give me priesthood blessings when needed. He was always willing to give a blessing and was also careful to make sure to remind me to work out my thoughts with the Lord in prayer.

I remember his warm hands on my head and the sound of his voice. He would usually start the blessing with the words "Susan Heavenly Father wants you to know that he loves you." I got used to hearing this. I hate to admit it but somewhere in my head I supposed it was what my dad just said. I knew there was truth to it but it didn't sink in as an important part of the blessing and a message directly from my Father in Heaven.

It wasn't until years later, thousands of miles away somewhere on the continent of Africa that this message in a priesthood blessing sunk in...