As I struggled to move against the hundreds of oncoming pounds of pressure that had me pinned underwater I thought that my life was over. But something extraordinary happened. It wasn't, of course, until much later that I realized how extraordinary this was but though I was struggling physically my thoughts were somewhat tranquil. I had just returned home from an LDS mission and I had lived my life the best that I could and according to the gospel and principles that I had been taught. My exact thoughts were "I have lived a good life." I was at peace with my Maker. I didn't end up dying that day but I have often reflected on those feelings that I felt as I helplessly faced a deadly situation. Since then I have had days, like after yelling at my kids for example, where I have thought "Please don't take me today Lord, I would not be ready." But I know that at some point I may face this moment again where I may have seconds, hours or months to ponder my life and death. I know without a doubt that at that moment my thoughts will be pointed to a divine Creator and a reckoning.
I have also had other times, like the other day when I saw someone who I thought was crushed by a heavy piece of equipment and my first gut reaction was to pray and plead to Heavenly Father to spare him. I didn't think about it, it was impulsive. In the end this person was okay, soft mud had saved him from being crushed but my first reaction, which was to cry out in prayer, made me realize it was something I did instinctively. I know that at the end of my life, if I do have time to think, I will think of God. I will possibly ponder my past and family as I did years ago and turn my face towards heaven.
There are many reasons why I am not an atheist. I have hundreds of occasions where my prayers have been powerfully answered or where there was an influence outside of the realm of my physical body which impacted my situation. I have been moved and moved upon by something more than myself. I have seen tender mercies during hard trials. I have also felt familiar stirrings in my soul of something greater than me. A love so powerful that it did not stem from my own limited understanding. To explain even a few of these experiences would take too long and to be honest these are the main reasons why I am not an atheist. But for the purpose of this post I will talk about one that is less important to my journey and it is the one at the end of my journey.
I LOVE science and I could try to live without God in my life. But I could not believe that science held all of the answers since sound science itself teaches us that we are not even specks, that live on a speck who are trying to use understanding from past specks to deciphers the great happenings of the universe around us. Every tiny bit of science that we have is in it infantry. The most renowned of scientists admit that we haven't even scratched the surface of what is out there. So even if I did for some reason believe that science held all the answers and I tried to live my life without God I know I could not live without him in my death or in those moments before it. In those last moments I know that even if I l distanced myself from him my entire life that he would be there in thoughts at my death. From past experience I know it is instinctive and part of who I am to do this.
Most atheists still have a moral system that they live by. They still try to be true to themselves. If this is true and I tried to live my life without God but I called to him in my final moments, like I know I instinctively shall than I would not be true to myself. Instead I choose to believe in an all knowing and all loving God each day. Whose work and glory includes an interest in little old me. A God who created the heavens and the earth using a science that I am yet to understand from my narrow mortal view.
So in short, I believe that the part of the purpose of life is to become like him and love others as he loves me. To learn the true meaning of charity and Joy through my interactions with those around me particularly those in my family. No. I could not be an atheist. Mostly because I choose not to as a result of a lifetime of experiences and interactions that have taught me otherwise but also to be true to myself, For me being true to myself,means being true to my creator in life and in death.
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