Half Mom

My rebirth as a mother
When my first children, who were twins were born I was also reborn. With their entrance into the world a devotion and deep connection was born inside of me that I never knew was possible. I no longer lived for myself but within me grew and incredible yearning, love and protection for these little souls that now became the center of my universe.


Leaving my career
I had a bright career which I loved and that I had worked hard to get but now after my babies were born I faced the decision on whether to go back to work or not. I had always wanted to make an impact on humanity and through my occupation I had that power but I made the calculated decision, however, to leave my career and stay home. I say calculated because it was very thought out. I made more money than my husband at that time so to go from two incomes to one and from a family of 2 to 4 we had to be frugal. We had one car, Jared took public transportation to work. I used coupons, meal planned and although we owned a home with an apartment we lived in the 1 room apartment above the garage portion and rented out the 3 bedroom home. My husband worked in the day and he also attended a graduated program by night so it was difficult at times but we made it work.

New mom blues
I remember going through the new mom blues in the beginning. I didn't know it was a common thing for new parents. I didn't even know it had a name. I felt guilty because this was all supposed to be wonderful but I was barely hanging on by a thread. I was so sleep deprived with new baby twins that I hurt. I didn't know you could hurt from lack of sleep but you can. Every time a baby or the babies together cried I felt like I was a bad mom, or that it was my fault or that there was something that I was lacking. It wasn't a rational train of thought but it was something that I had to learn and grow into.

Now as I hold, enjoy and endear my fifth child I look back and I see this was necessary. I was growing a new identity. I was learning a new way to be, think and love. It was tough and I wasn't expecting that.
I had always been told how wonderful motherhood was but no one told me about how hard it was and if they did it didn't sink in. But now I understand that life isn't about avoiding, pain, depression or difficulty because if we do we only avoid transformation.

"But now I understand that life isn't about avoiding, pain, depression or difficulty because if we do, we only avoid transformation."

Peeling away who I was
As my children grew I still dabbled in my career. Although I had walked away from my dream job I still did contract work, taught college classes and fitness classes because I could do them in between the times when my husband was home. I cringed when people asked what I did. I just told them I stayed home because it was easier to explain than all of the other things. These things fulfilled me. I couldn't explain it, being a mother was very fulfilling but doing other things that were fueled by my talents, hard obtained knowledge and passion were also fulfilling. But I started to feel guilty. I started to think about how I had left my career to stay home and these lesser things were possibly distracting me from this goal it was like my sacrifice was being undone. So over the next 10 years as a mother I started to peel my extras away. I stopped doing contract work, I stopped teaching classes. I even stopped dabbling in writing for a fitness blog that which had a great following. I just became mom. It took me a while to realize that in doing this I didn't just become a mom but I became a half mom. I was only giving them and letting them see half of who I was. I had dedicated my life to raising my children but I had neglected and marginalized my God given talents because that it what I thought I was supposed to do or at least it was part of my learning and training for who I am now trying to become.

"I had dedicated my life to raising my children but I had neglected and marginalized my God given talents because that it what I thought I was supposed to do."

Whole mom
I had a neighbor a few years ago that told me something that took years to sink in. She was a well known opera singer. She also left her high profile career to stay at home. She is the most dedicated mother that I know but she continued to teach lessons, host musicals and engineer neighborhood children's productions. She told me her goal was to give her children a "whole" mom. The mom that included all of the talents that she had been given even if they didn't all seem to fit perfectly with her family.

I started to realize that I was cheating my children in some ways. Here I had a trunk full of talents and hard earned knowledge but I had shut the door and hid the key. I had kept my children from being my apprentices to my natural abilities and loves that I had. I was trying to form new talents, which there was nothing wrong with that but I wasn't teaching them the things that came so easily to me and was only showing them the talents that I was struggling through. I marginalized myself.

So now I stand at a cross roads in my journey. I don't regret anything that I have done. I feel like it has been my cocoon and part of my transformation. I made all the right mistakes and feel that if I errored in being unilateral in my family focus I errored on the right edge. I got to enjoy and drink in all the moments with my children when they were babies. These are treasures that will never come my way again. I would not trade any of that and feel good about what I have done but now I feel like I need to learn balance. I also need to shake off the guilt of focusing on some of my passions. I need to remember who I am and give my children a whole mother and not a half mom.

Not one thought of this post is focused on other moms. With that rebirth that comes with being a mother you realize the deep love that all mothers have for their children. Our situations are unique as snow-flakes. My path is not the path for anyone else. I don't mean this post to sound like I made a mistake in staying home and I don't mean it to sound like any mother who stays home and has domestic talents is not a treasure to us all. Merely it has been my road and still is my road to discover how to become a whole mother and a whole person. To fuel my talents as well as to focus on one of the greatest callings known to mankind which is to raise children. To not be a half mom or half of a person but to become whole, and to give others, especially those closest to me the whole of who I am.