A Slow Conversion like A Pearl... How I came to believe

(This was a talk/testimony I gave in stake conference this past weekend and wasn't meant to be in written-blog-form but here it is. Please pardon all the grammar errors until I can find time to edit. :)

While on a mission, in Spain, 20 years ago, my trainer companion Sister Sancho would share her testimony. She was the only member in her family and in a land that only had the gospel available for a mere 20 years she had been converted through an extraordinary angel-like experience. When she would share her conversion and I was expected to follow up with mine I would feel intimidated but I was taught through the spirit that I was not to feel like this. That my conversion to the gospel, although different from hers, was just as important and valuable.

My experience though not angel-like was pearl-like.

I use the parable of a pearl when explaining to my children how I came to know the truths of the gospel that I hold dear and that anchor me to the principles in which I live my life.

An oyster for example has a problem. The oyster has a grain of sand stuck in its shell which acts as an irritant. This oyster works on this grain of sand slowly, day after day, layer after layer until he covers over this grain of sand and turns it smooth. Making this problem a pearl.

This is how I feel with my experience with the gospel. I have had various problems which I have brought before the Lord. And the Lord, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little and taught me. Some grains of sand have been hard trials, some have been questions and the Lord has worked with me through scriptures, through revelations, through promptings and unique experiences. He has had time to work with me and sediment a slow, layered process of conversion which defines who I have become. I may not have had a missionary knock on my door but the spirit has knocked on my heart. My missionary was the Holy Ghost and the Book of Mormon.

I grew up in the church. With goodly parents. We were expected to go to church and live principles of honesty, respect and hard work. I had a Sunday school teacher in my youth who challenged us, as young girls, to read the Book of Mormon every day for thirty minutes. This soft spoken women told us it would become a habit if we did this. I took this challenge and I read the Book of Mormon every day and it did become a habit.

I remember being surprised when I read that Nephi died. I couldn't believe it! I had thought that he wrote the entire book of Mormon. I knew so little about what really laid in its pages when I first read it.

As I read, answers to daily struggles often seemed to come at the right time. Like when one of my friends read my journal. I was young and this was a big deal to me. That night I read the words of Christ when he was talking to the Nephites and he said “Forgive men of their trespasses and our Father which art in heaven will forgive you for your trespasses.” I didn’t know what a trespass was but I figured it was like a sin and I knew it was a message from Heavenly Father that I was supposed to forgive this friend and so I did.

I continued to read in the scriptures every day through my teenage years. And it was incredible. The Lord guided my life. I once was put in a bad situation and the scripture “Stand ye in Holy Places.” kept running through my mind. I got out of that situation. Over and over again this things occurred. I can’t even begin to share all the beautiful experiences I had with the scriptures as a youth.

One experience I did not want to share but praying about it I felt compelled to share was my testimony of Joseph Smith.

To be honest I didn’t always have a strong conviction of him as a prophet. I had grown very fond of the Book of Mormon and its power in my life and knew it was of God but I realized that everytime I read about Joseph Smith or discussed him in seminary I had feelings of disbelief. I knew these feelings did not correspond together. So one night I took the matter to the Lord. I asked him in humble prayer to help me know more fully the truth about Joseph Smith. If he was a true prophet of God I didn’t want to doubt anymore.

I left my prayer feeling like I could leave it in the hands of the Lord.

That week I had a hard teenage experience that left me feeling very sad. Feeling overwhelmed and without comfort I turned to the scriptures and ended up flipping to Joseph Smith history. Joseph recounted how he felt like Paul telling his story before King Agrippa. As I read the words they reflected, in my soul exactly how I felt at that time with the trial I was going through and I felt the conviction that was behind them. I knew that Joseph's words about his own trial were sincere and I felt a spiritual confirmation of their truth. I now knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.

I realized that this was the answer to the prayer that I had said a week before.

Many more experiences have been layered to create my pearls, the same pearls that made me feel like I wanted to do a heel click when president Buck first asked me to share my testimony. Pearls of great price. Pearls whose value does not rest in their density but in their layering process over time.

To sum up why I believe, I believe because I choose to believe. A process that has never been forced upon me at any time. But as I have chosen carefully to believe, day after day, line upon line, precept upon precept, obedience upon obedience a power which is not my own has been with me. Something that is not my own has come upon me and I can strongly testify that I know that God lives that, Jesus Christ lives, that even if an angel had appeared unto me and declared it I would not have a stronger conviction than what I have with the process of obedience that I have been through. I have learned there is no timeline on Moroni’s promise about the Book of Mormon. Personal revelation paired with experience is more fortifying than almost any immediate spiritual manifestation. We came here for a mortal experience.

I am not perfect. This life is not perfect. We were not meant to live a life of ease, without trial, without temptation, without awkward situations. That was satan's plan. God’s plan was to have bumps in the road, to, again, walk the refiners fire, to have a mortal experience. For in this process we walk the path towards perfection leading us closer to the goal of  having a prize in which we obtain a more fullness of Joy.

I know God lives. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and is mindful of me. I know Christ has atoned for my sins and has offered me redemption. I am grateful for this opportunity to share my pearls of great price and why I believe.

3 Blessings of Infertility

This is not a post about why someone should be grateful for infertility. Despite the title. I do not want to deceive anyone into thinking that infertility is not a deep and lonely trial that should be desired or that someone who is walking with this trial should be happy with their circumstance. Instead this is a post about 3 things that I learned when dealing with infertility that I feel have gloriously blessed my life and future for the better.

11 years ago I had just undergone yet another grueling medical procedure hoping that I might somehow, possibly have a child. We were thousands of dollars invested in our effort, I had undergone years of needles, diagnostics, hormonal treatments and surgeries with the end goal of having a child.

On this morning we were on our way to the doctor for a blood test to see if I was possibly pregnant. Like a hundred times before I knelt in prayer asking that if it was the Lords will that I could have a baby. Unlike thousands of times before, however, I felt a silencing presence with a quiet prompting that I was indeed going to have a baby and that my test would be positive but this prompting came with a warning "That I needed to not forget all of the things I had learned from this trial of infertility."

The next few hours were filled with anxiety followed by tears of joy as I found out that I was indeed pregnant. A few months later I gave birth to beautiful twin boys. Now years later I am responding to that prompting and warning by putting my thoughts into words to try to explain what I learned from that trial and the blessings that came from it.

Empathy

Not only did I learn empathy for others trials that I may not understand but I learned to have empathy for those who may unknowingly offend others in an effort to help them. While going through infertility it is easy to get angry at other people who say things that can be perceived as offensive. I can't recount how many times I heard someone say "If you would just relax you could become pregnant." or "Maybe if you didn't exercise you might become pregnant." These people did not understand that I had already contemplated all the possible reasons time and time again, pursuing every solution hundreds of times over. Saying that a person should just relax or do something differently suggests that it is "their fault" and is more a statement of blame then help. 

I came to realize that people were just trying to help but were perhaps misguided in the best way to help not because they weren't good people but because they did not understand my unique trial. I became more aware of what I said to others in the middle of trials that I did not understand. I began to recognize that I also was guilty of saying dumb things while trying to help. 

I realized that we all take our turn in being the offenders and the offended. We either suffer from a trial that others don't understand or we don't understand a trial that others suffer. It is inevitable to be one or the other but if we are patient with others comments during our own trials perhaps they will be patient with our comments in their trials. 

Not passing judgement.

We had tried and tried to have a little family but of course could not. I felt inspired to pursue a higher education and a promising career as we continued to find the best route for a family. Because of this I often felt an underlying judgement from some people. I felt that they supposed that my life priorities were mixed up as a woman and often tried to set me straight.

One acquaintance, an older woman approached me and told me that I was not supposed to put a career before my family and it was against church counsel. It was one of the few times that I did not hide my feelings or my hurt reaction and the tears flowed freely in response to her words. I explained that we were indeed trying and had been for sometime. In that moment she realized her folly she began to stumble through an apology. She was sincerely trying to help me in directing me towards one of the most beautiful experiences that she herself had experienced. .

I began to understand that I had unconsciously passed judgments about others circumstances that I did not experience. 

I understood, that I didn't understand others trials. By having judgment passed upon me I actually was able to see where I was judging others. I began to look around at members in my church congregation in a new light. Single members, divorced members, members in different circumstances. My heart hurt that I had ever wondered about their circumstances at all. I became protective of their pain and compassionate for their trials.

My trial had not mirrored theirs but empathy teaches us something special and honorable as a human being that corresponds with all manner of hardship.

Patience
Lastly, I learned that the Lords time is not my time. I think this is one of the greatest mistakes we have as human beings is that we kneel and receive immediate answers to our prayers when the Lords most profound way to work with us is over an extended period of time.

If my babies would have come right away I would have loved them. I would have adored them. But my experience would have been very different. I would not have pursued a Master's Degree which has created experiences that were unique to me and tailored for who I was meant to be. I would have not fallen in love with education, world health, and the subjects that have captivated my time and talents in a way that I know my Heavenly Father intended.

Even Moroni's promise about the Book of Mormon doesn't have a timeline. People think that if they pray an angel will appear but the truth is that the answer will come in the Lords time and in his own way. Patience is a Godly virtue waiting on those babies, if they were to come at all, month after painful month was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it was one of the most rewarding waits I have ever had.

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This isn't the most beautiful post I have written. Forgive me. As I reread it it has a hint of negativity and for that I am sorry.

I have 5 children now and you would think that the scars of infertility are gone with emergence of the beautiful c-section scars that accompanied my motherhood.

The truth is I still cry on mothers day. I still cry when I see mothers without children who I know want them. I still know how it feels. I don't feel sorry for them. I feel sorrow with them. They are beautiful women with divine purpose and amazing talent who are changing the world but I remember how it felt for me when I see their pain and although I am grateful for my beautiful children I still cry because it felt like yesterday.

It is a sorrow that many women have and it is a refiners fire. We all walk hand in hand with certain sorrows and trials.

Women who walk with infertility are strong. I am glad I took the time to listen to what that trial was teaching me and I am glad that I can still see others through the lens that it gave me.

For those lessons I will forever be grateful. The empathy, ability to not judge others and patience are true jewels in my crown of virtues that I hope to polish and remember and keep forever.