3 Blessings of Infertility

This is not a post about why someone should be grateful for infertility. Despite the title. I do not want to deceive anyone into thinking that infertility is not a deep and lonely trial that should be desired or that someone who is walking with this trial should be happy with their circumstance. Instead this is a post about 3 things that I learned when dealing with infertility that I feel have gloriously blessed my life and future for the better.

11 years ago I had just undergone yet another grueling medical procedure hoping that I might somehow, possibly have a child. We were thousands of dollars invested in our effort, I had undergone years of needles, diagnostics, hormonal treatments and surgeries with the end goal of having a child.

On this morning we were on our way to the doctor for a blood test to see if I was possibly pregnant. Like a hundred times before I knelt in prayer asking that if it was the Lords will that I could have a baby. Unlike thousands of times before, however, I felt a silencing presence with a quiet prompting that I was indeed going to have a baby and that my test would be positive but this prompting came with a warning "That I needed to not forget all of the things I had learned from this trial of infertility."

The next few hours were filled with anxiety followed by tears of joy as I found out that I was indeed pregnant. A few months later I gave birth to beautiful twin boys. Now years later I am responding to that prompting and warning by putting my thoughts into words to try to explain what I learned from that trial and the blessings that came from it.

Empathy

Not only did I learn empathy for others trials that I may not understand but I learned to have empathy for those who may unknowingly offend others in an effort to help them. While going through infertility it is easy to get angry at other people who say things that can be perceived as offensive. I can't recount how many times I heard someone say "If you would just relax you could become pregnant." or "Maybe if you didn't exercise you might become pregnant." These people did not understand that I had already contemplated all the possible reasons time and time again, pursuing every solution hundreds of times over. Saying that a person should just relax or do something differently suggests that it is "their fault" and is more a statement of blame then help. 

I came to realize that people were just trying to help but were perhaps misguided in the best way to help not because they weren't good people but because they did not understand my unique trial. I became more aware of what I said to others in the middle of trials that I did not understand. I began to recognize that I also was guilty of saying dumb things while trying to help. 

I realized that we all take our turn in being the offenders and the offended. We either suffer from a trial that others don't understand or we don't understand a trial that others suffer. It is inevitable to be one or the other but if we are patient with others comments during our own trials perhaps they will be patient with our comments in their trials. 

Not passing judgement.

We had tried and tried to have a little family but of course could not. I felt inspired to pursue a higher education and a promising career as we continued to find the best route for a family. Because of this I often felt an underlying judgement from some people. I felt that they supposed that my life priorities were mixed up as a woman and often tried to set me straight.

One acquaintance, an older woman approached me and told me that I was not supposed to put a career before my family and it was against church counsel. It was one of the few times that I did not hide my feelings or my hurt reaction and the tears flowed freely in response to her words. I explained that we were indeed trying and had been for sometime. In that moment she realized her folly she began to stumble through an apology. She was sincerely trying to help me in directing me towards one of the most beautiful experiences that she herself had experienced. .

I began to understand that I had unconsciously passed judgments about others circumstances that I did not experience. 

I understood, that I didn't understand others trials. By having judgment passed upon me I actually was able to see where I was judging others. I began to look around at members in my church congregation in a new light. Single members, divorced members, members in different circumstances. My heart hurt that I had ever wondered about their circumstances at all. I became protective of their pain and compassionate for their trials.

My trial had not mirrored theirs but empathy teaches us something special and honorable as a human being that corresponds with all manner of hardship.

Patience
Lastly, I learned that the Lords time is not my time. I think this is one of the greatest mistakes we have as human beings is that we kneel and receive immediate answers to our prayers when the Lords most profound way to work with us is over an extended period of time.

If my babies would have come right away I would have loved them. I would have adored them. But my experience would have been very different. I would not have pursued a Master's Degree which has created experiences that were unique to me and tailored for who I was meant to be. I would have not fallen in love with education, world health, and the subjects that have captivated my time and talents in a way that I know my Heavenly Father intended.

Even Moroni's promise about the Book of Mormon doesn't have a timeline. People think that if they pray an angel will appear but the truth is that the answer will come in the Lords time and in his own way. Patience is a Godly virtue waiting on those babies, if they were to come at all, month after painful month was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it was one of the most rewarding waits I have ever had.

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This isn't the most beautiful post I have written. Forgive me. As I reread it it has a hint of negativity and for that I am sorry.

I have 5 children now and you would think that the scars of infertility are gone with emergence of the beautiful c-section scars that accompanied my motherhood.

The truth is I still cry on mothers day. I still cry when I see mothers without children who I know want them. I still know how it feels. I don't feel sorry for them. I feel sorrow with them. They are beautiful women with divine purpose and amazing talent who are changing the world but I remember how it felt for me when I see their pain and although I am grateful for my beautiful children I still cry because it felt like yesterday.

It is a sorrow that many women have and it is a refiners fire. We all walk hand in hand with certain sorrows and trials.

Women who walk with infertility are strong. I am glad I took the time to listen to what that trial was teaching me and I am glad that I can still see others through the lens that it gave me.

For those lessons I will forever be grateful. The empathy, ability to not judge others and patience are true jewels in my crown of virtues that I hope to polish and remember and keep forever.