That missionary was me! An answer to my own prayer.

After a missionary conference in Granada Spain my companion Sister Matthews and I headed back by bus to the small town of Santa Fe where we were serving.

While on the bus I noticed a woman in that back. I felt impressed to try to make my way back to her to talk to her. Leaving my companion I awkwardly weaved through people standing and sitting until I finally reached her.

Before I could say much she said in Spanish to me "I can tell you are a good person. I would love to talk to you but this is my stop and I have to go. Thanks for coming back to talk to me." She then exited through the back doors of the bus and proceeded to stand on the side of the road and wave good bye at me as the bus pulled away.

As I watched her disappear in the distance I was sad that my opportunity to talk to her was cut short. I said a prayer that a missionary would one day have the opportunity to give her a Book of Mormon. Since we were serving in a small town far away from that populous city where I had just met her I didn't think I would ever see her again.

A couple of weeks later we decided that we were going to visit a tourist location in that city on our preparation day. While walking along a beautiful path outside of the world famous Alhambra I heard someone call to me. I was baffled to see this woman walking with a man. She had recognized us from a distance and made her way towards us. In the next few minutes were then able to share with her the message of the restoration and give her a Book of Mormon.

The way the sun fell on the wooded pathway around us as we talked was beautiful. It was an oasis in a bustling city. My companion, who was an amazing singer offered to sing a song, which we did together with another sister in harmony. Our voices carried well and the sun rays split all around us through the trees while glowing specks of dust floated through the air. And the spirit was strong and our surroundings were peaceful.

After the song there was silence and she became emotional. She told us that it was her birthday and that morning she had prayed that she would receive something special from God. She held up the Book of Mormon that we had given her and said "I know this is that gift."

With special permission, since she was out of our jurisdiction, we were able to return for the first discussion with her but I never saw her after that although other missionaries continued teaching her. In a time before widespread use of email and online information I don't know if she was ever baptized but I did feel Heavenly Fathers strong love for her.

I couldn't help but reflect upon the moment weeks before when I had sat on the bus and watched her disappear in the distance. I thought about my heartfelt prayer that a missionary would find her and give her a Book of Mormon and how I was allowed to miraculously be the answer to my own prayer.

The Lord offered me a sacred opportunity to see the other side of that prayer. As missionaries and member missionaries we say prayers for people to hear and have an opportunity to embrace the gospel. I am so grateful for a small peek into the workings of the spirit and to be a part of that sacred experience.

"First Wise Man". My favorite true Christmas story!

Along with the stories of Shepherds and wise men this year I look forward to recounting the story of Simeon to my little ones.

It is my favorite Christmas story but is often forgotten in the recounting of that Saviors birth and took place after the shepherds but before the other three wise men.

Simeon was not in the field with the shepherds who possibly, before that moment, had never contemplated a Savior. He was not with the wise men who traveled from the East, who beheld the star and came in a great journey. His heart, however, was prepared beforehand and he was in the right place at the right time as he anticipated the coming of his Lord.

I believe he was actually the first "wise man". He was not in company with the other three but like them he looked for the coming of his Lord and was led to the baby Jesus.

Artwork by Greg Olsen 

Simeon was an old man. We know nothing about him other than he was just, devote and that the Holy Ghost was upon him. He is the perfect example of how great things can be manifest to us through personal revelation if our hearts are ready and if we are listening. We don't need to be a prophet, or a world leader or anyone of great consequence, but if our hearts are in the right place then we can see and behold incredible things.

It had been revealed to Simeon by the spirit that he would not die before he had beheld the face of the Savior. Luke tells us that he came into the temple that day "by the Spirit" just as Mary and Joseph brought 8 day old Jesus in order to offer sacrifice as was custom. Are we prepared for the clues all around us? Are we seeking our Redeemer out and using our energy to find him in our lives? Do we do the primary answers of read our scriptures daily and pray? Those will be the most powerful seeking tools that we have.

There must have been several righteous people in the temple that day but only Simeon and Anna (another who recognized the blessing of the moment) seemed to be prepared to behold the face of their Savior and declared him to others. Do we miss the Savior in our lives and recognize his face or hand when either is right before us?

Simeon took the Christ child in his arms. Wow! What a holy and precious moment. He not only got to behold his face but he took him in his arms!!! See why this is my favorite Christmas story! This was a moment he had been waiting for a very long time. In this story he looks toward heaven or at least addresses God while holding the child, and says "Now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace according to thy word." in other words "I'm ready to die now. I have seen my Savior."

He then prophesies to Mary and Joseph! I don't recall anything written about the other wise men doing this. Can you imagine?! We already know he was right about his own personal revelation of beholding his Lord but now he is prophesying to the mother of God and guiding the earthly father of the Savior of the World.

He tells them that Jesus will be "A light to lighten the Gentiles and the glory of the people of Israel." We see this prophesy come to pass much later, years down the road when the gospel is taken to the gentiles and they embrace the Savior as their Redeemer and later as many of us who were considered gentiles were adopted into the house of Israel and now bring the gospel to all nations! It was another way of saying that this child's impact would affect the entire world.

A piece of this story that touches me personally is when he turns to Mary and prophesies to her specifically and tells her "Yea a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed."

We believe that Simeon could be referring to the moment after Christ dies on the cross and Mary is watching nearby. They will pierce his side with a spear or a sword. This was the test of the soldiers to see if he was truly dead. At that moment she would realize that he was really dead and perhaps her world would shatter in a way that few of us understand. Only a few days later after his resurrection perhaps she would fully understand the purpose of the birth and death of her child.

Then Anna an older woman who spent all of her time in the temple came in that instant and also gave thanks and beheld the child "and spake of him to all them that looked for redemption in Jerusalem." I am not sure if that meant she told others around her in that moment or if she stayed in the temple as she was there all the time and told others who came to temple after about him. Either way she recognized perhaps who he was and his important role in redemption!

I guess I love this story because Simeon gives me hope. He did not have an angel appear to him (that we know of) as the shepherds did. Neither did a choir of angels lead him to Christ's birthplace. He did not follow the signs of the skies or the star as the other wisemen did. But he followed his heart and was led to his Savior.

In my own way I feel like I know the gospel with my heart. I really know and feel that it is true. I anxiously await the day that I will meet my Savior. In the process I really do feel guidance and that I am lead in my heart. I could be crazy, yes but so much good comes from it that I see almost daily. Matthew 7 tells us that by their fruits ye shall know them. This fruit is sweet. This fruit brings peace, joy, excitement and light. So much peace. There could be really no greater gift! This Christ child and the story of his birth brings me, over 2000 years later, peace in the midst of a very troubled world! What an incredible gift!

A 6 hour conversation with a Muslim Woman

As part of a scout requirement I've been reading the news headlines with my 11 yr old boys daily. Because of this they have seen recent terrorist attacks play out more than they have before and we have had hard conversations about things which are happening in the world.

This morning while getting something from downstairs I came upon my 11 year old in prayer.

Because of the beauty of the scene and the light beaming behind him I quietly snapped a picture. I am not sure if it is inappropriate to take a picture of such a personal moment but I am so glad I did. It is something I want to remember...forever.

I do worry about their future. I worry about the world that they will grow up in. 

But I choose hope. I choose faith. Against the darkness the light will grow brighter. 

On a recent 6 hour flight to Paris, just right before the terrorist attacks, I had an interesting conversation with a Muslim woman about Islam and the LDS faith. 

In the very beginning of our conversation I knew I was going to love sitting next to her. She was well educated and very dedicated to her way of life and to her beliefs. I knew a lot about Islam but she didn't know much about my faith. On my mission sometimes I reflected on how similar Islam was to many of our beliefs. She was surprised to discover that we too fast, that we give tithes, that we abstain from alcohol among other things, that we have a code of health, believe strongly in a family unit, in living a moral life and congregate in temples. All of these things have similarities to the pillars of Islam. In talking with her and those who share her faith I am very careful. In my mission we could not teach Muslims especially Muslim women. It was dangerous for them if we did and also dangerous for us. But she kept asking questions so I did answer them.

As we talked more she became very interested in my thoughts about my own 5 boys and raising them in our western society. She said that it was difficult for her family- they lived in a predominately Muslim community before where there was no alcohol, drugs or other things available. But she moved them to the United States and her kids start to live a double life and can't handle the agency and availability of these things. Some turn to extremism while others are lost.

She said that this lost feeling has happened in her family as well as many others that she knew. "How do you keep your kids free from these things?" She asked. I'm supposing she meant "you" as in plural to my faith. I told her we train our children that it isn't a matter of "if" but "when" they will be faced with these decisions. We try to prepare them with what these situations might look like, what to do as an alternative and with a knowledge of the blessings that come from living a certain way. I told her we hold family prayers, family scripture study, family counsels and family home evenings and I best tried to explain these principles. It made me think deeply about the blessings that come with living within the reach of the gospel. I didn't even begin to talk about primary, young men's, young women's or scouts. I didn't discuss family meals, family vacations, for strength of youth, the expectations of the priesthood or deacons and priests and their weekly responsibilities and duties.

I didn't talk about firesides, youth conferences, EFY or any of these other things. But as I have thought through them since I have been amazed. The role of the family unit is vital in our society! Teaching the gospel in the home is the greatest layer of protection that a youth can have. If this layer of protection is there these other things add to it but without it these things can also act as continual invitations.

I was also impressed by the role that "agency" has in our eternal salvation and how this applies to the conversation that I had with this Amazing woman. I have done a lot of research on this subject, gospel wise and this is a post for another day but to sum up Agency is what sets us apart from the other elements of the Universe and the other creations of our Maker. This agency when exercised and used for good propels us forward in our progression. Without our agency we can not increase, grow or move forward.

After my husband and I returned home from Europe and saw the attacks that happened in Paris my heart was heavy. I thought of this woman. She was on route to Morocco to adopt a baby with her daughter. I hoped for her safe return and wished her the best. It opened my eyes once more to the full light of the gospel. It made me so grateful for these programs that our available through the organization of the church that add that extra layer of protection.

It made me so grateful for my own little boys. I do worry about them. That is a mothers lot, but I do have faith in them and I will do all I can do give them the most opportunities in this life and the next. They are a Ray of Hope in the darkness of the world. Their faith is strong and it is such an honor to be apart of that!

Muslims and Mormons have a lot in common but we also have differences especially in the divinity of Jesus Christ.

Here is a recent statement from the Leaders of the LDS church in response to Donald Trumps call to ban Muslim travel.

Also here is an LDS article on Muhammad which I found interesting. 

Overcoming Personal Apostasy

A stumbling block for Sariah

I have been thinking a lot about Sariah lately and the struggles that she went through.

In the past I thought of her lightly and even a bit judgingly as she questioned Lehi, the prophet and his visions and the guidance that he had received. But now as I have examined her situation my respect for this woman has grown immensely as I consider her vital role in saving her posterity from bondage and death and traveling to the promised land.

Her greatest struggle in the beginning turned out to be what solidified her faith to endure what was needed in order to truly save herself and her family and lead them to an amazing physical and spiritual inheritance. She would later have children in the wilderness, endure starvation and almost die because of the neglect and hardness of the hearts of her Elder sons but her faith and resolve landed her family in the promised land.

I can relate to Sariah. I have had several questions that have made me stop reflect and search for answers. Recent events have weighed on my heart and my mind to the point where I couldn't sleep or rest. I have found much refuge and peace in literally hours upon hours of scripture study and prayer. But in this struggle I feel that my faith has been solidified. I have no doubt about the guidance of the Savior Jesus Christ himself in this church and I have a clear understanding of how I am to proceed in my life and put my faith and trust in the Savior and in the Priesthood as it currently is upon the earth.

We don't know for sure but at first Sariah seemed to obediently follow Lehi's counsel to leave Jerusalem. This wasn't an easy decision. It cost her home, friends, family and all of her possessions but when she was faced by the possible demise of her sons when they didn't return from Jerusalem, something extremely important to her, she questioned the power by which Lehi received his guidance. She just needed to know for herself and couldn't rely completely on someone else. When revelations are received for the church I believed they are received twice. Once to the leadership of the church and again individually in our hearts. After all, we are told that by the mouth of two or three witness we will know things. I think this personally may apply here as well. She knew her sons were returning to Jerusalem and understood the difficulty of their task. Remember this was a very wicked time among this people. They would soon be destroyed for their wickedness. She must have known the wickedness of Laban and his merciless ability to kill and take other's possessions. She must have known the greatness of the men that he commanded. She put her faith in the Lord as her sons left but when they did not return as planned or in the timely manner she faced a great struggle of faith. 

She called Lehi a "visionary man" who tried to comfort her and tell her in his own way "You are right, I am a visionary man, and if I weren't then we would have been killed at home.". When her son's returned and most likely after Nephi shared his account with her she rejoiced and "knew of a surety" of the Lord's counsel to leave Jerusalem. Sariah remained a team player, She is even often referred to by Nephi in their journey. Her part was invaluable and unique to her. Because of her, her family was saved and made it to the promised land.

A personal and individual testimony comes in its own way unique to us

Her story reminds me of Nathaniel in the New Testament. The first time he met Christ, the Savior said "Here comes Nathaniel, he who is without guile." This took Nathaniel off guard, he had never met Jesus face to face before. In fact, when Philip called Nathaleal to "come see" Jesus, Nathaneal said "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" So when Christ addressed Nathanael and possibly told him a key characteristic that Nathaneal possessed it astonished Nathanael and he said "How do you know me?" the Savior answered "Because before Philip called to you, I saw you, under the fig tree." We don't know what Nathaniel was doing under the tree but I love this scripture because it shows how personal the workings of the spirit can be. It meant something to Nathaneal and taught him that Christ was the truely the Son of God while only meeting him seconds before.  I  call this a "Nathanael moment" an experience of deep personal revelation that was kept between him and the Lord that would solidify his resolve to follow the Savior through thick and thin and help him in his office as he later became one of Christ's apostles. He could have been pondering the words of God or simply asking a question or some other experience under the fig tree. Either way the Savior saw him, I tend to think it was spiritually instead of physically but in some way this answered an eternal question for Nathanael. (John 1:47-52)

The Savior knows what we need, he knows how to answer us and how to answer us in a way that makes sense to us individually. It is through fervent scripture study and prayer, without guile that we can find the truth.

Overcoming deception through the word of God (It's promised!)

When I was younger I was reading about the apostasy of earlier members of the church. Knowing that some of these people had seen great things. While reading this I considered myself and my weakness. I was 16. At that moment I felt so close to the spirit and that I never wanted that feeling to depart. If these great men and women had gone astray after much sacrifice and revelation then what was to keep me, a simple girl who was very subject to the influences around me, to not be led astray as well. After much heartfelt prayer and study I read a scripture in Joseph Smith Matthew "He who treasureth up my word shall not be deceived." I thought about this scripture, over and over again. As if examining something in my hands and turning it over and over again. Thinking about it from every angle and every view. At this time the answer spoke sweetly to my mind. If I studied the scriptures daily and treasured their message in my life and applied them then I would be not be deceived. It was a promise! I could be able to identify deception by the scriptures. It was one of my "Nathaneal moments". An answer that came in the form of scriptures that had been written hundreds of years earlier and came in the exact moment and way that I needed them.

There are so many false ideas out there right now that are popular and "seem good" but just aren't right.

In this story there was a man who went about preaching things that were pleasing to popular society. He taught that there was no God and that people could do what they wanted and that there were no boundaries. Everything that he taught was pleasing to the carnal mind. He also taught that church leaders were oppressive and only trying to "usurb power and authority over the people". It is interesting to me that the scripture mentions that he led many "women and also men" away. I am not exactly sure why women were mentioned first in this scripture but it seems interesting. (Alma 30:18) Because of this man's teachings many were led away from the truth and lost blessings.

In this own man's words he describes what he taught this people.

...I do not teach the foolish traditions of your fathers, and because I do not teach this people to bind themselves down under the foolish ordinances and performances which are laid down by ancient priests, to usurp power and authority over them, to keep them in ignorance, that they may not lift up their heads, but be brought down according to thy words.

24 Ye say that this people is a free people. Behold, I say they are in bondage. Ye say that those ancient prophecies are true. Behold, I say that ye do not know that they are true...

Sound similar? When this man was taken before the chief judge Alma (their society was also governed by their religion at this time) He asked for a sign. He persisted over and over again for a sign. In response the prophet told him he would be struck dumb as a sign. He was miraculously struck dumb and unable to speak. This sign was given in response to his own question. This man's consequence was ironic to me. A smooth talking eloquent man who had the gift to lead others away by his speech but he was struck without the ability to speak.

Deceptive Angels of Light

This man wanted this "curse" as he called it which he admitted that "he had brought upon himself" to be taken from him and he then wrote to the prophet saying.

53 But behold, the devil hath deceived me; for he appeared unto me in the form of an angel, and said unto me: Go and reclaim this people, for they have all gone astray after an unknown God. And he said unto me: There is no God; yea, and he taught me that which I should say. And I have taught his words; and I taught them because they were pleasing unto the carnal mind; and I taught them, even until I had much success, insomuch that I verily believed that they were true; and for this cause I withstood the truth, even until I have brought this great curse upon me.

This man had the devil in the "form of an angel" appear to him and told him what to teach. He knew that what he was teaching was wrong but at some point he "withstood the truth" because of the popularity of it all. He had much success insomuch that he "believed that they were true." Pride took over.

This is where my personal answer about these things has come in. All of my questions that I have had about some of these popular ideas have been answered by this story. There are many ideas right now that appear to us as angel's of light but are Satan in disguise. Ideas which seem to be fundamentally good but when taken out of context and when taken to extremes they are actually wrong and go against the plan that has been set out since the beginning or our time. Tolerance, acceptance, the roles of a woman. These are all holy and fundamentally principles of light but when taken to extremes these ideas can be harmful to society and to our spirits as well. These things have been used to try to destroy the family, the fundamental unity of society and when this happens all of the foretold calamities of prophets shall come down upon us. (Family Proclamation)

The priesthood is a very good and a Holy tool of service. Woman are choice unto the Lord and loved by the Lord. One thing that is greater than the power to move mountains, to prophecy, or even raise the dead is the power of charity. We are told that repeatedly in the scriptures. We cannot enter the Kingdom of God with out it. It is ironic that we completely lose this power and gift (which is considered the greatest gift of all) when we let "ravenous wolves" enter in among us and seek for what we consider "authority" instead of seeking for tools of service. For if the Lord had commanded us to do some great thing, wouldn't we have done it?

There are reasons behind many of the revelations that we are given in our day. They are reasons that we can only understand by "inquiring of the Lord." (1 Nephi 15:2-3) This allows us to have these Nathanael moments which will help us become like Sariah and solidify our faith to overcome the trials of our journey. For those of us that have been shocked by the "falling away" of recent events my guess is we haven't seen "anything yet" the events that will come would lead the very elect away if the events were not shortened. So let us treasure up his words so that we can not be deceived in this day and humbly follow the prophets counsel without guile and with the pure love of Christ.

My Thoughts on the Policy Change

Over a week ago I opened facebook, as did so many others, to see a policy change that the church implemented. My initial reaction was "On no, here we go. Here comes a storm." I then stopped my thoughts and aimed my heart at heaven asking what I was to do and think in response to this change. The answer was "Be still."

That is what I did. I waited. I waited for more information before forming my opinion completely. As my newsfeed lit up I ignored the posts. Waiting upon the lord in full faith as I have done many times before. In short my doubts were resolved in the Lords way and I am so grateful that I was told to "Be still." I fully support my church leaders and the organization that they have been mandated to lead. I once again saw that it was an organization led by an all loving yet, steady Father in Heaven.

I have felt the whispering, tugging and guidance of the spirit on this subject. This is a treasured gift. I can talk, read discussions and analyze information all to my hearts content but when the spirit, which is the great expert on all things, speaks I listen. The Apostles and prophet may lead the church but the spirit leads my heart and I find that the two do keep on the same course.

I have knelt in prayer and have opened my heart. In the process of studying out this policy I gained even more knowledge into the sacredness of the family unit, the role of the church in helping individuals obtain blessings of the gospel and my own ability to be taught by the spirit.

I do not judge those who wrestle with this policy change. It does not make me better or less because I have accepted and understood the full purpose of it's reasoning.

Like them I have wrestled with many things in the past but my course and choices when confronted by these doubts have led to great knowledge. With this policy change the pattern was the same:
Doubt -----leads to prayer----leads to understanding deeper than I understood a topic before----leads to gratitude for the initial doubt.

Our doubts can be our greatest teachers. Studying them out with the spirit can be intense educational institutions for our souls in pushing past our cultural and thin understanding of the milk of the gospel and beginning to partake of its meat.

Doubts can lead us to be better disciples of Christ. Doubts can be purifiers.

I am not perfect, I am not free from weakness that inflicts our mortal state and I am not free from ever doubting. But I am grateful that I again opened my heart to Heavenly Father on a subject that I did not understand, that looked one way but was indeed very much another. That I felt and saw his hand strongly in this. That for me I responded with patience and with learning.

I am just so grateful! I love the gospel, there are incredible workings here that I can't explain and that I can't undermine.

Dragon With Glowing Eyes Pumpkin

I usually don't do crafty things! But this pumpkin turned out great!

First we found a pumpkin that was elongated (tall skinny) and could easily rest on its side. The front of the dragon is actually the bottom and the stem comes out of the back of his head as pictured below.

 We washed him up and let him dry.

I made the shape of his snout nostrils and eye brows by simply taking long pieces of wide masking tape and rolling one edge while sticking the other edge to the pumpkin. It stuck better than I thought it would. 

To clarify by the picture below I ended up doing paper teeth after and painted over these tape teeth. 

I also used tape to make the lips, horns coming off the back of the head and some scales that stick out. 

I then took tape and cut it down into little strips and placed them diagonal on the snout, nostrils and brows to give the lines a ridged look. You can see it in the picture below.

I used Elmers glue to create a scaley ridged look on the skin. Lines on the front of the snout in a v shape and scales on the side. 

I let the glue dry for a couple of hours. I later painted over these but they looked cool under the paint. The pumpkin has natural ridges as well that added character. 

We then painted the tape ridges along the face a grey black with a paint brush. The paint color was called "pavement". Since I wanted the black holes in the nostrils mouth to stand out I made this color lighter so there would be a contrast. 

For the main color we mixed a vibrant green with black without mixing them completely. Only a couple of combining strokes so that the colors still remained separated. Then we took a plastic grocery bag and tore off a hand full of plastic waded it up and used that as a sponge for the color on the face. We dabbed on the paint on the most of the dragon. It gave it a scaly look. 

We painted the nostrils a glossy deep black with a paint brush as well as the mouth.

After letting it dry and adding a few more coats we added a light coat of a golden sparkle spray. This made it look more like a dragon instead of a dinosaur. 

The eyes were fun. We took a ping pong ball and cut it in half. We first used marker for the pupils but it wasn't as bold as we wanted so we taped off the pupil and painted it also with the glossy black. 

Quickly remove the tape and make sure the eyes are cat like with elongated pupils. 

We then taped a little tea light under the ping pong ball eye. We just added tape to the back of it so it can be placed and removed easily so the light can be changed if needed. 

Now place the eyes on! 

For finishing touches I used a paint brush with black and lightly added a faded line to the glue ridges to accentuate them slightly on top of the gold spray. 

Add a row of paper teeth and glue them under the top mouth ridge. 

And...

Wa-la! 

A fierce dragon with glowing eyes!

And a kid that feels pretty cool about his pumpkin... and maybe even slightly scared! 

A Letter from President Manson

My son had a scout requirement to write a letter to someone famous so he wrote a letter to President Manson. It basically said he loved scouts, loved reading the scriptures with his family and was excited for conference. He told President Monson that we pray for him as a family. 

I was excited to see this letter come in the mail. My son Marc opened it and read it out loud to all of us. What a treasure! 

A Man on a Park Bench in Spain: A Mission Memory

One morning my companion and I got ready and knelt down in prayer to start our day. We had decided beforehand to stay in the apartment for a few minutes after our prayer and mark Books of Mormon and then leave for the day.

As I knelt in prayer with my eyes closed I saw a distinct image of a man sitting on a park bench. I recognized the plaza where he was sitting. He sat alone on one edge of the bench. It wasn't a dream and to this day I don't know what it was but I knew what I saw and where it was. Along with this image I felt an incredibly strong sense of urgency and that we needed to find him quickly.

After the prayer I told my companion we needed to leave right away and I tried my best to explain what was happening. We headed out the door and nearly ran to the plaza. My heart beat in my chest as we made our way there. I was excited, the spirit was strong and I knew we were being guided. Sure enough the man was there on the bench by himself in the nearly empty plaza waiting for a bus that would arrive soon.

I was so excited that I anxiously approached him. He was smoking a pipe and his eyes widened as he looked at me and realized two sister Mormon missionaries were about to talk to him and he said loudly and definitively "No!". Because of the events leading up to this moment instead of being offended or frightened by his response I did something that neither he or I expected...I burst out laughing.

His reaction had taken me completely off guard, and consequently my return reaction took him completely off guard. It even disarmed him a bit. I plopped down beside him and began to talk with him and shared a message of the restored gospel. He was receptive to the message and was really responsive and touched by the testimony of companion Sister Matthews who was at that time new to the mission but strong in conviction and spirit.

He reminded me of a philosopher willing to theorize the idea of a young boy who received a vision. We gave him a Book of Mormon with passages marked and some information inside. We were able to share parts of the first discussion and answer his questions. His bus arrived moments later and he boarded and was off. We could not have waited a moment longer in the apartment just minutes before. I don't know what happened to him after he left, since he was in route to a different city but I know in those short moments of our meeting that we shared what we were supposed to share with him and that for some reason he was meant to hear the beginnings of the good news of the gospel at that time.

What I think about during the sacrament: A hero's funeral.

 "We have no hope of rescue on our own. 
In our lonely waters there is someone by our side. 

A silent passenger to our own sorrows, pains and weaknesses."

A Teenanger in Danger
On Dec 29, 2011 LDS FBI agent Danny Knapp was enjoying a day off at a beach near where he was stationed in Puerto Rico. The conditions of the water were "red flag" meaning it was too dangerous for swimmers so he and his girlfriend stayed ashore. Two young men ran up to Danny telling him that their friend was trapped in the water against a riptide and could not make it back to shore.

Danny's girlfriend asked him not to enter the water but he replied that he could not let the teenager die so he grabbed his fins and entered the water and tried to save him. They both ended up trapped against the tide helplessly treading water and trying to resurface after each wave.

Danny was a strong swimmer and held the teenager up with his arm keeping his head above the water while giving him tips on how to conserve energy. The teenager wanted to give up, his strength was gone but Danny encouraged him by saying "You are going to be okay just keep going." Because of this, the young man did.

The FBI agency was alerted that an agent was in the water. They sprung into action and a rescue helicopter was sent, something that would not have likely happened for the local kid alone. As the rescuer was lowered by rope to the water he could only carry one. The teenager who had been in the water much longer was taken first. When the rescuer returned moments later Danny was face down. After crews tried to resuscitate him it was clear that Danny had passed away.

When an FBI agent dies especially when his body needs to be transported back to the US another FBI agent is stationed to stand guard over the body at all times. As this other agent was standing guard at the hospital in Puerto Rico he heard the faint wailing of a woman outside the door. The noise got closer and closer. The woman was crying hysterically. As she was intercepted and questioned before reaching the room they discovered that she was the mother of the boy that Danny had saved. In her cries she said in Spanish "Someone else's son died that that mine might live."

This mother and her son attended the funeral service for Danny that was held in Puerto Rico. This young man was humbled by Danny's sacrifice and had rededicated his life to being better and to going to school. He wanted to be just like Danny, to follow in his footsteps and join the FBI.

Danny Knapp was friends with my sister and her family who were stationed with him in Puerto Rico. This story impacted me so greatly as they recounted it that I thought of it again and again.

A Hero's Funeral
I was not there for Danny's funeral but I attended another hero's funerals which was my own fathers a few years before. He was a retired highway patrolman and military veteran. I imagine Danny's was similar in many ways. At my fathers funeral there were several uniformed officers standing at attention while another played a trumpet. Four officers wearing white gloves meticulously folded an American flag into a triangle. A high ranking officer got on one knee at my mom's eye level and gently presented her the folded flag. There was a special feeling of honor and respect that I will never forget. It was a service with white gloves, uniforms, salutes and a tender testimony of sacrifice. The entire experience was sacred.

Sacrifice and the Sacrament
I continued to ponder over Danny's story and his heroic efforts and what his funeral must have been like on Sunday during the sacrament. I looked up to see the deacons and priests with their heads bowed in respect. A white cloth was lying over the top of the sacrament trays and to me it looked like a body at rest and how it might have looked as the Savior's body was covered in linens.

My whole perception changed in that moment and I thought of the sacrament as a hero's funeral and I wondered if I was showing the same amount of respect and attention as I would have at a hero's funeral. Instead of white gloves there were white shirts, instead of hand salutes there were bowed heads. Instead of trumpets there was a sacred hymn.

I thought of how this story, that lead to a hero's funeral, applied to this great and sacred sacrifice and the sacrament. I did not know Danny personally and I only  know him by this one act but it is hallowed enough that I feel it appropriate to use in this comparison.

I thought of Danny's voice telling the teenager to keep going, and that he would be okay. I thought of how, because of Danny's status as an FBI agent a helicopter came to rescue, and how the teenager was rescued and Danny lost his own life in the process. I thought of the boy's mother and her painful realization of the parents loss of their son. How she had exclaimed to the effect that someones son had died that hers might live.

Our greatest death is not physical death but the spiritual death or our separation from our God because of our imperfections. We, by nature, enter dangerous waters and become trapped and helpless. We will not survive and have no hope of rescue on our own. But in our lonely waters and struggles there is someone by our side. A silent passenger to our own sorrows, pains and weaknesses. A voice that if we listen says "I am here with you. I have felt what you feel. You are going to be okay. Keep going." A strong arm that in our darkest sorrows will help keep our head above water. Only someone who has lived a perfect life could call down the rescue for us. Only someone who has endured an Eternal pain and suffering of the Law of Judgment could attach us to the rescuing rope of Mercy that we might live.

Also behind this scene is the sacred sacrifice of another. One that this mother in this story recognized and mourned over. The sacrifice of a Father whose son "died that we might live". A Father whose sacrifice of his son did not simply entail the sons death but the offering of his son to endure the voluntary Infinite punishment of Eternal laws in our behalf. That he suffered beyond every pain and sorrow known to man and was burdened by every requirement of Judgment for the sins of the entire human race. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son."

So now as I take the sacrament I think of a hero's funeral and the sacred way in which heroes are honored. I think of white gloves and white shirts, a trumpet and a hymn, salutes and bowed heads. I think of a teenage boy who was exhausted, whose arms were too sore, tired and ready to give out and how Danny held the teenagers head above the water. I think of Danny's voice of and how he himself was also treading the endless waves. I think of his presence that called down the rescuers and delivered the boy up for rescue while he himself died. I think of the mother who recognized not only the sacrifice of Danny but the sorrow of his parents. That someone's son died that hers might live. I think of the teenager who rededicated his life to walking in Danny's footsteps. To becoming just like him and doing what he would do.

Now when I take the sacrament I compare it to a hero's funeral and a great sacrifice on my behalf. I try to honor it by rededicating my life to be like him and do as he would have me do. I bow my head in respect and reflect on his life. I try to offer the most possible sacred expression of my gratitude a broken heart and a contrite spirit and by offering the one thing that is truly mine, my will, by aligning it with his.

A link to one of the stories about Danny Knapp the FBI agent mentioned above can be found here.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

A sample from Paul to Ponderize

Yes. yes, yes! You know I love you Paul! Paul: Part poet, part apostle, part deadly snake venom master, part ship wreck magnet, part glutton for punishment. Part snark but somehow still charitable. Too smart for his own good. Seriously what a cool guy!

Back to the topic-Ponderizing
On my mission I struggled with the language. I was so focused on learning Spanish that I did not memorize very many scriptures in English. I am not so great at memorization. I am good, however, at retrieving bits and pieces of scriptures and I feel really blessed to LOVE them but I need to memorize them more, it always felt mechanical to me. But the Ponderize talk at general conference changed all of that...now I have a desire to 80% ponder, 20% memorize---

I love this scripture! A reminder that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ!

Romans 8:35,37-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...

 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

How President Monson's talk answered my prayer about contention in online conversations

I LOVE Conference!
There has been a lot of buzz about how President Monson's strength was giving way during his talk. I actually had a really incredible experience with his talk that I want to share.

Each conference I write down questions that I have and hold close to my heart that I need answered. Then I pray about my questions and during conference I listen carefully for the answers. EVERY TIME my prayers are answered. Almost miraculously answered. Sometimes my questions are so personal, so tender and even odd that I am amazed when entire talks seem directed towards my questions.

A heart felt prayer
This time midway through conference I realized that I had forgotten to ask my questions. I was sucking it all in and felt like everything applied to me but I hadn't asked any questions. So before the Sunday morning session I knelt down and poured my heart out to my Father in Heaven.




I had a few questions about my mothering and my personal journey that are too personal to share here but I also had one thing on my mind that was really heavy. Locally our city is voting on a new Life Center which includes a recreation center. This is a subject (the benefits of recreation centers to communities) I have personally studied for a long time before it was ever an issue locally. I have a Masters Degree in Public Health and my study on this subject was fulfilling and extensive. I don't want to distract from the main message here on this post by going into too much detail but as I shared information on this subject online I quickly became a target of negative and even threatening voices. Entire conversations surrounding this subject were intense. I was really surprised at how cruel, mean and unkind people were. I had to disconnect. Because of an experience over a year ago I had decided that I would not lose myself in online contentious conversations. I would stay positive and that no matter what I would not be negative. I spoke up a couple of times in defense of others and requested that people stay positive but still the negativity flowed.

So I started to wonder if I was being a coward. I started to wonder if I should be more aggressive. All I really wanted was the truth as I saw it to be known and I even oddly felt a responsibility to share it. Why I had studied this so much and found it so interesting before it was ever a question in my own city I don't know. So this is where I was. I prayed to know what I should do. If I should remain in my conversations the way that I had tried to be, positive or if I should push back against some of the misinformation and negativity. I took it to the Lord. I didn't know what to expect as far as answers to this prayer, it honestly just felt good to ask Heavenly Father for help. I wondered if one of the talks would answer my question.

President Monson answers my prayer

The first speaker only a after a few minutes after my prayer was President Monson. He stood tall and his talk got right to the point- "Be a light" and "Be ye and example of the believers in word, conversation, charity and purity." He then continued to expound upon all of these principles. He then began to talk and even was very specific about conversations online. He talked about being kind and loving. I felt a huge relief and even a bit of awe at what I was hearing and what was happening. Here was the prophet of God answering a personal prayer that I had just said a few minutes before. His answer was so perfect as if he were sitting in a room with me and I had just told him exactly what I was going through. I felt like he was telling me sincerely that no matter what the subject and how important it is, how I acted was more important.

I've always known President Monson was a prophet but I felt a deep love from my Heavenly Father as I listened to President Monson answer my question that only God knew. Then as I watched President Monson continue to speak my attention was caught as I started to hear his speech slur and then his physical frame started to wilt. Still a prophet of God. Still a man of great strength with a powerful message to share. I could tell he was then trying to get through his message more quickly as his strength was diminishing- The message he knew that he was meant to give.

So as my newsfeed has lit up with people concerned about his health I can't help but ponder the personal miracle that seemed to unfold to me in his talk. I could tell that the church spokesman was trying to get people to focus on his message rather than on the last minute of his weakening health. A prayer, a message. an answer- Thank you President Monson. Your message was needed and was miraculous in my life. I sure do love you!

Our kids will do what we do...plus a little more.

A Brothers Water Quarrel

The other morning my 5 yr and 2 yr old boys were taking a bath. I was standing nearby getting ready for the day. A look of mischief crept across the 5 yr old's face and with one hand he splashed his little brother right in the eyes. He then sat there smiling as his little brother wiped the water out of his eyes. The 2 yr old with a look of determination began splashing his older brother wildly with both hands and also started throwing the nearby bath toys at him. He then leaned back on both hands and used his legs to kick a soaking continuous splash of water at his older brother. The 5 yr old was surprised at this turn of events and started to cry. He was in need of rescue from his little brother. After calming the splash frenzy I tried to teach my 5 yr old son one of life's lessons. I told him "Your little brother will always do what you do, plus a little more."

Before the words even had left my lips I realized it wasn't just a life lesson for my little boy as a big brother, but it was also a life lesson for me as parent. My kids were going to do what I do, plus a little more. For better or for worse.



My Weaknesses...Plus a Little More
I had several scenarios run through my head about my personal example to them. Whether it was my choice of junk food, my connection to technology, my love of running or my attempts to serve others. I wondered which extreme of me that they would do...plus a little more. There were plenty of things that I was not proud of that I hoped they would not mimic but also many things that I did well that I hoped they would do better than me.

This is not to say that all of children's bad choices are a result of parent choices. As human beings and as "agents to ourselves" we are responsible for our own choices but there is somehow a nondeniable influence and responsibility that also lays at the feet of parents. If we do not teach our children what is right then the sins are on our shoulders.

King Noah's Dad
I reflected on the example of Zeniff the father of the wicked King Noah. Zeniff was actually a really good guy who stood up for what he believed in. He was also a righteous king, So why was his son so extremely wicked? King Noah was so wicked. in fact, that he led an entire people to their near destruction and actually caused them to commit "much sin".

So did the apple fall far from the tree here? Was King Noah completely different from his father or was Zeniff somehow responsible for King Noah's behavior? A friend once pointed out to me that Zeniff by his own admission was "Over zealous to inhert the land of his Fathers." So much that he was blinded to the important things that a king or soon to be king should't be blind to. This over zealousness caused the enslavement of his own people and it is possible that it may have caused a lack of focus in other areas. Although we may never know and it isn't our place to judge others around us we can draw out and ponder information like this from the scriptures. In doing this my friend pondered the question of whether or not Zeniff's overzealous tendency somehow translated to King Noah's choices. He presented the question of "As a parent what are my tendencies or focuses and how will they affect my children?"

Self Evaluation...Plus a Little More
What are our addictions, or overzealous behaviors that are causing or will cause our children to do what we do... plus a little more? Is it our physical addictions to substances, lack of religiosity or heavy handed treatment of our children? Is it our defiance of the law, obsession with physical appearance, disorganization or frivolous spending? If our children are to do what we do and a little more what would that look like?

The closer we are to the center, or when our lives are centered on Christ then hopefully the further our children will be to the outer edge of this circle. When we focus on improving ourselves we really do improve the possibilities for our children.

Again this is not to say that parents are responsible for all of their children's choices. Agency is part of our eternal identity and it is possible for exceptional parents to have children that stray. It's never okay to judge another's circumstance based on these assumptions but this is an opportunity for self reflection within our own parenting. As a principle I believe that it is possible that our children will do what we do-plus a little more. That our tendencies can turn into behaviors, beliefs and influences that greatly affect our children.

Just as my little 2 yr old took his splashing to an extreme after seeing the example of his older brother I have to ask myself "What examples are my children seeing in me. And what would that look like...plus a little more?"

3 Things I Would Tell My Daughter If I Had One...

I love my 5 boys and wouldn't trade any of them for a girl but I would love a little girl in addition to our family. Unfortunately, I now know that as I age the possibility of having or adopting a little girl is becoming more slim. With this realization comes a flood of tender emotions. One emotion that I feel is a sadness for not being able to teach or show my daughter her true value and worth. 

There are many messages attacking girls at this time and I feel like through a lot of heartache and experience I have learned who I am, my value and how to get through these messages. So to the daughter that I will never have I want to share a message:

I <3 Paul!

I absolutely love reading about Paul in the New Testament! He is so human and superhuman at the same time!

From my point of view here is a list of some of the cool things that he did. Some are pretty ironic to me and just strike me as funny, amazing or both! I smile the whole time when I read about Paul. He is someone that I would have loved to have known.

• He raised a young man from the dead who fell asleep and fell out of a window while listening to Paul preach.
• He was ship wrecked twice.

39 Acts of Service-- A Very Happy Birthday

Last Year I wrote a post about 38 acts of service, doing an act of service for every year of the age I was turning on my birthday. It was definitely something that I wanted to do again this year so I did it on my birthday!!!

I turned 39 years old and therefore set out to do 39 acts of service.

I told myself that theses had to be service opportunities that I normally wouldn't do in my day to day life. For example, as a mother it is easy to do service within my own household. I am constantly on the go and helping my little guys so I wanted to only count things that I did that were extra.

Last year, I prayed and asked that I would have people put into my path that needed help, love, encouragement or money. I had some incredible experiences. This year it was different and maybe a little less glamorous but still completely awesome and fulfilling!

Half Mom

My rebirth as a mother
When my first children, who were twins were born I was also reborn. With their entrance into the world a devotion and deep connection was born inside of me that I never knew was possible. I no longer lived for myself but within me grew and incredible yearning, love and protection for these little souls that now became the center of my universe.